So!

Thank you so much. I believe we all find peace sooner or later. I am still struggling. We all are. It’s just a matter of finding wisdom within each other and growing.

Duh.

The beginning of something beautiful: Some lyrics to an upcoming project. We will pour our hate, love, aggression, anger, sadness, and pain out into this album. I hope you enjoy and are ready for a storm. Demo out soon.

LOST

I watched you crumble. I watched you falter. A man of stature is now a man on a noose. I watched her crumble. I watched her falter, and now my mother kills a man with words that hold no truth. I pray for my sister. Tell her I miss her. Because poinonous words can kill a childs youth. Christmas ain’t christmas when a cylinder is spinning. A family ain’t a family when hearts aren’t living. Five empty chambers. One holding your truth. You fucking coward, consequences aren’t bulletproof. Dear father what have you become? You die slow when oxi is coursing through your blood. Dear father what have I become? Denying a father when he needed his son. Dear mother what have you become? Methamphetamine is one hell of a drug. Dear mother what have i become? How is it possible to feel no love. Lost, but I can take it.

HARD WOOD FLOOR

I remember the panic attacks, how they were heavy and vial. Covering my ears because poisonous words can kill a child. Heart attacks at such a young age is easy when devils play out in your brain. A gangster mentality was all that you could afford, but a lost family can’t settle that score. “Listen here my son. Any man can shoot a gun. Any man can kill. But if you Fuck with their minds you control their fear.” Maybe that paper bag will help. When you can’t breath you put it to your mouth. I couldn’t comprehend. I was young, didn’t understand. “Why cant daddy rest? Why doesn’t he ever hold your hand?”. Mom always tried to calm the storm. Took me to the park and started hugging me more. A christian school filled my days. Nights where dark men show up late. Black cars and briefcase. “Daddy’s got to work. Protect your mom and sister. You all deserve more”. And that’s what I did when I was seven. That’s what I’m doing at twenty-three. Give me fifty more years so I can finally breathe. Or bring me death and calm the storm. Or bring me love and let it rain. Let it fucking pour. Take me back to those infinite hugs on that hard wood floor.

JUST ANOTHER BROKEN KID

The product of wickedness. Drugs and alcohol are his influence. A fathers been drinking. A mothers been beaten. Yet a child’s been dreamin. Expect him to fail because of his roots. Banish him when he picks the forbidden fruit. Yet he found his way through all of the pain. He gave you a son that isn’t the same. Regardless of those nights where you laid screaming. Crying in your sleep, left his little heart bleeding. “Please mama. Please stop crying. Daddy didn’t mean it. I know he’s trying”. He didn’t fucking understand. Six years old and trying to be a man. You gave him a religion, and a private school. Maybe you can flush out the negative by feeding him a false truth. He tried, he really did. Rebellion in his heart was all he could give. He failed you, couldn’t keep to the course. Getting kicked out made him feel even worse. A mother on meth. A father on coke. A son the product of life’s cruel joke.

Just another broken kid. Thats dying to live. Give me love, and accept my sin. What you did to my mother I can forgive. A heart warming family was something that didn’t exist. But I can fix it. I can progress. Bring me passion, and bring me depth. Scream out the aggression. Allow it to manifest. Into something beautiful that I can protect. Just another broken kid.

LOVE IS SO PRETTY

Bleeding out on that hardwood floor. Emotions run deep when your heart can’t settle the score. I can’t let go. I can’t continue. You left me with a life unsettled. A heart left broken can’t calm a situation. It can leave you cold. Can leave you miss-shappen. What you did to my soul can’t be forgiven. Killing that love wasn’t worth livin. A year later you begged for forgiveness. Showed me a false truth that you blindly created. “I love you why can’t you see it? Three years and this is how i’m treated? Fuck you and your lack of commitment”. Why can’t you see all of the hatred pressing down on me? You can’t expect a broken man to jump on false testimony. You throw me away, and expect me to come back. I won’t crawl on my knees for a girl that isn’t down for the wrath. Life ain’t easy, and you damn well better expect it. It thrashes and maws and toys with relationships. I’m not blind, and I can clearly see it. If love is blind, then you clearly mistreat it.

GIVE YOU NOTHING

Put the bullets in that gun. Spin the chamber and call it love. leave behind a daughter and a son. A wife the product of a mans jealousy and overwhelming love. The punches they bled and the punches they stung. But pain ain’t nothin when a heart can’t feel enough. I grabbed that gun, and held it to my chest. Walking dirty puts a soul at rest. A pocket full of bullets makes you feel so strong, but your dad was at home with oxi coursing through his blood. You were left with a call, and your father crying. You aren’t used to the shrieks, your soul not used to him fallin. “I love you to, just keep fighting”. Calling your cousin in desperation cause your father was dyin. I’ve seen these halls before, and they bring nothing but death. I can’t bare the burden, and god if this is a test. Then kill me now and leave me with something. If you take my father then i’ll give you nothing.

I am finally calming down. My anger is slowly being replaced with sadness, and it’s a good thing. Being angry doesn’t work for me. It doesn’t sit right. Doesn’t fit. I can channel my anger.. I write it down on paper. Flush it out, and turn it into something real… - Joseph R.

About six months ago two men visited me in a dream. The older man said “You’ve been praying. Looking for some kind of guidance. So here we are, because you have asked of us; When god made you, he made you with too much fire in your heart. This world will never feel like its enough for you. You will always feel lost, like you don’t belong. And I know you feel like you will always have this deep loneliness inside, but you must realize that you have the power to rid yourself of these negative feelings. You can create these worlds in your mind. Hold them close to you, and make them as real as you and I. Pour them out into the world through your personality and creativity. Continue this process, but never lose touch with reality. You must find life in what feels so little”. The dream continued and I start to make out their personalities. The way they move, talk, and even smell. My lucidity during this dream kept me wondering; “Who are these men. They don’t feel like the common apparitions of my mind”. I was in awe.

The younger man reminded me of myself. Like another form of me that lived in another time. A man that found happiness in the world. That found peace in his mind. He was very subtle and had a calmness about him. All I felt was comfort when he spoke. Like I was looking at what I wanted to be. Looking at what I was going to become. He spoke of war and life. Peace and death. What he had been through in his young years, and how he never lost touch with who he was. It seemed like the two men were very close… like they lived during the same time. Like they knew each other so well. I had so many questions that I didn’t have time to ask…

The conclusion of this dream comes into fruition. I find myself and my two teachers gathered around a fire. I feel complete, like everything is so clear. Like this is where I’m supposed to be. Like I finally belong… After tales of war, laughter, and talk of women in our lives concludes I am told “It’s time to wake up Joseph. Don’t forget us, and don’t forget our words. We will always be around. Good luck kid”. My eyes flicker and an overwhelming feeling of sadness hits me. My heart panics, and my mind is plagued with so many questions. I try to fall back asleep so I can see them again, but nothing gives. I feel like the two closest friends in my life just died. I felt complete abandonment. 

In the following six months I am bombarded by so much negativity. The falling out of my family. Seeing exactly what I didn’t want through my parents relationship. My eyes being opened to a world of distrust in family members because of drug abuse. Old lovers coming into play and setting things off. A new lover coming into my life, and it just not working out. I felt bitterness and anger creeping into my soul, and I let it in. Yet… just as I got to my breaking point I remembered the faces. I felt their presence. I felt a calmness. Someone inside telling me “Don’t forget”… I am sitting here now ciphering through the memories. Picking apart my loneliness and my heart. I am going to be okay. I will find life in this reality. I will find a balance, and I will be happy.

Huh?

Lol. I can’t help it. I love woman. 

25 years ago. ;)